Top Ten Reasons Not to Vote for Bush
10. He shakes uncontrollably when he laughs and looks like a hyena when doing so. I saw this firsthand on last night’s David Letterman show. It was disgusting.
9. He’s George Bush’s son.
8. He had a supposedly destructive drinking problem until his 40s. And he doesn’t have any interesting vices like, say, nymphomania.
7. He’s a hick. So is Clinton, but at least Clinton’s a charming hick. Plus, he’s a Rhodes scholar, which makes him pseudo-British, sort of.
6. He answers with “I don’t know” way too much. At least he could make up an answer and lie like Gore does.
5. He actually thinks Americans can take care of themselves. What a joke! I mean, come on.
4. He never knows what camera to look into. And of course, TV talk show appearances are more important than policy.
3. He called a journalist, of all people, an asshole. He just doesn’t know that journalism schools have a class called “All Political Journalists Must Hate Republicans, but Pretend Not To and Pretend to be Unbiased.”
2. He actually thinks that the threat of execution will stop the insane or downright evil people from committing murder in this country. If I was a schizophrenic manic-depressive with a borderline personality disorder under the influence of psychedelics, I bet you I wouldn’t be thinking much about the consequences of my actions.
1. He didn’t invent the Internet.
DISCLAIMER: This Top Ten is tongue-in-cheek, of course. As of right now, I’m going to write in Phil Donahue for President. I urge you all to do the same. Thank you.